Save the Drama

Note: This was originally posted on 2/24/2012 on my previous blog.

I have a theory regarding drama, and it goes something like this:

There are 3 types of people in this world. Actors, re-actors, and nuclear reactors.

Actors are the smilers. They always seem calm, cool and together no matter what they are going through. You might know that their dog died, their husband had an affair and their kid had appendicitis all in one day, but not because they scream it from the rooftops. They quietly tell you they can't babysit for you that night because....well..... They even seem to be able to smile at the end of a sentence and give you some reassurance that your runny nose will get better with time, and seem sincere. It's not that these people don't have problems or emotions related to those problems, but it's more that they choose to keep those things private. Tightly held, like a precious secret. Why? It could be that they feel a measure of dignity in holding it together, a gracefulness that transcends circumstance. It could be that they frequently put other people first and don't want to bring others down with their problems, instead choosing to be an encourager. It could be that they are just shy and private and don't like their business being broadcast. It could be that their reaction is the only thing they feel they have control of. In any case, they are the people you want by your side in an emergency because they can think and react rationally in a tense situation due to their calm demeanor.

Reactors are those people who have their mood written all over their face. It's that co-worker that you see when you are walking to your desk with a scowl on her face and you think "geez, I'm going to stay away from her today" as you smile and walk past. These are the people who, although they don't over react, simply react. They cry easily, they get angry easily, they get frustrated easily. They react to every situation right away. Some people refer to it as "wearing their heart on their sleeve". They feel no need to reserve any emotion and let it flow freely. The one good thing about reactors, is that you always know right where you stand.

Nuclear reactors are the drama queens. Not only do they wear their mood on their face, but they shout it front the rooftops, update their status on Facebook, send email updates to 50 of their closest friends, then invite the evening news out to hear about the great injustice of the century. They think the world revolves around them and they don't care who knows it. Some of these people have legitimate psychological disorders, such as narcissism or borderline personality disorder. However, most don't. They crave an infinite amount of attention and expect everyone around them to comply. If you don't, you just became their latest source of injustice.

I'm an actor. I put on a smile and get on with it. I don't have time for the drama or the bull. Just keep it moving, thanks:) My husband is a reactor, he reacts to everything, you know where you stand with him at all times. It's a good combination, even though sometimes I think he takes his feelings too seriously.

See, here's the danger in being a reactor or nuclear reactor. You start to take your feelings too seriously. It is important to understand that feelings are not always rational. What you feel is not always accurate to the situation. Your feelings are not a foundation on which you should build your life. Feelings and emotions are constantly shifting, rolling around based on so many internal and external factors. You can't let these dictate how you run your life. You must learn to identify internally how you feel, determine why you feel that way, and then decide what you are going to do with it. Many times, the best thing to do is ignore the feelings, in the short term. Look at your situation from an outside perspective. "Ok, if I were some stranger hearing about this situation for the first time, what would I think? What advice would I give?" Try to separate yourself from your circumstances. Take the personal element out of it. This gives you a way to approach it rationally and with a clear head. You are then able to focus on the actual issue at hand and make good, concise, informed decisions on how to move forward.

Please do not misunderstand me here. I am not saying to lie down and let people walk all over you. I am saying that when you make the choice to stand up for yourself, to remove certain elements from your life, or remove your own self from certain circumstances, you are much more likely to be successful if you are coming at it from a non-emotional standpoint. If the decision is intellectual versus emotional, you have a way to back up your viewpoint that is concise and succinct to anyone who challenges it, and when you want to back slide, you have a way to control your impulses.

So which of the three are you? If you see yourself in 2 or 3, try to start realizing when you are reacting and take a step back. Pretend you are on television live and your reaction is being captured for all eternity. Take a deep breath and visualize how the person you are dealing with will react to your lack of a reaction. I think you will find that the refusal to join the drama throws many people off balance. They don't know what to think. It makes them nervous because they no longer know how you feel. They start stepping up their game with you, being ultra polite and concerned. In short, they stop focusing on themselves and start focusing on you. And if they don't? Drop them like a hot potato. You deserve better than that.

Taking up Offenses

Note: This was originally posted on 2/23/2012 on my previous blog.

So, this is my inaugural blog post. I have always wanted to blog, but never found the time. I recently decided I should make the time. You will notice I don't have my name listed. I want this blog to be for anyone, everyone, or no one. I'll be happy if others read it, and I'm fine if it's just some type of journal for me, too. Doesn't matter much either way, it's just an exercise in writing, in remembering how to talk like a grownup, in figuring out what's important and what's not, in getting my feelings, those things I hold on to so tightly that no one knows what they might be, out somewhere. You might agree with some things, you might not. It's ok. Really. After all, it's just me being me. And I'll go ahead and admit, not everybody likes me:)

The topic on my mind today is taking up offenses. I can't remember exactly where I first heard this phrase used, but it must have been years ago, because I have certainly used it for much of my adult life. It means that you get all bent out of shape on someone else's behalf. Now sometimes, it is appropriate to be upset for someone, for example, if that someone is your child, it's your duty to be upset and take up offenses on their behalf as they aren't equipped to do so on their own behalf yet. I'm speaking more about other circumstances.

For instance, when someone says or does something that hurts my husband. I totally am guilty on this one. I get upset. I get angry. I get revenge.

Ok, I'm kidding. I don't get revenge. But sometimes I want to. Because while Mr. Anoni might be Mr. Annoi to me sometimes, I love him more than anything in this world, other than Anoni Jr's of course. He is the other half of me, my soulmate. We were totally made for each other and put on this earth to complete each other. I know, I hear your eyes rolling. But it's true.

So when someone hurts him I get hurt too. Because he is part of me. I then want to fight his battles for him. I want to tell the people who are hurting him to stop. I want them to know what they are doing, how they are doing it, and that they MUST stop. Immediately. But guess what? It's not my place.

If I were to step in, that would be crippling him. It would be like me saying he's not an adult that can handle his own problems. It would take any responsibility off him for making his own life better and improving his circumstances. Eventually, I would be caring for another child emotionally and to be honest, I don't have time for that.

Mr. Anoni needs to handle his own issues. The hardest part of that for me, is that he would rather not. He would rather just let things go, not say anything and let time wash away the hurt. Some things he has just accepted the way they are, while I am still stewing in the unfairness of it all on his behalf. But if he wants to accept it, that's HIS choice, not mine. He has to find his own way in his relationships, with his family, his friends, and his co-workers. I have to find my way in mine. And although I will share advice with him, or what I think he should do, ultimately that is HIS decision to make and I have to be ok with that. The right thing to do is to encourage him, let him know I understand how he feels and why he makes whatever decision he makes. Then I stand behind him 100%, supporting him every step of the way. Whenever he falls, or gets knocked down, I help him up and then encourage him to move forward once again, navigating his way through life. And he does the same for me. That's why we are together after all.

I see this all the time with people. One spouse takes up offenses for the other, leaving their spouse emotionally crippled. Eventually, the crippled spouse stops advocating for himself in any of his relationships and starts leaning on their spouse to do it for them. They become whiny little children who get angry when others don't behave they way they perceive they should. We need to all be adults in our relationships and help our other halves towards that emotional adulthood too. It's scary and it's sad, because it gives us a certain amount of helplessness and who likes to feel helpless? But it empowers our spouse, it frees them to act and react the way they need to, the way they want to, instead of the way WE want them to. And in the end, that's what we want to do, right? Help them become the best they can be:)

Parental Responsibility

I have noticed over the course of my life that people are gradually becoming less and less willing to take responsibility for their actions. Of course, there have always been these type of people, but in recent years it seems to have become almost acceptable or even the norm for people to completely shirk their responsibility or blame other people when they have to suffer the consequences of their actions or lack thereof. In particular, parents seem to be suffering from this ailment.

There are certain things that I have always assumed parents knew they were responsible for when it came to their children. Providing the basics for survival, such as shelter, food, clothing, is a responsibility we accept when we choose to have children. But just as important, are the emotional things we provide for our children. We provide constant love and affection, affirmation and discipline, boundaries and education. We teach them to respect others, to be kind and polite, to properly express our emotions, including anger. We show them how to treat people by the way we treat people. We are consistent with our love and affection as well as our enforcement of boundaries and rules. This is how children learn how to be good, well rounded people.

I have discovered over the years however, that some people don't know these things. Now, I understand there are different parenting styles and I feel that there are rooms for all types of parents and children in the world. For example, I do not attachment parent. I personally feel that leads to co-dependent, whiney children. But I have no problem with someone who chooses this style of parenting. It tells me that while they are a bit less structured than I am, they love their children dearly and care enough to try their best to be a great parent to their child. It's not my cup of tea, but it's not wrong. Regardless, this is not the type of thing that I am talking about.

I'm talking about people who don't lay the ground work for a healthy relationship and then are upset when it doesn't magically happen anyway. Usually, I see this in the friends of my children. These people are inconsistent, angry individuals. They expect their kids to be around to do whatever they need them to, but then want them gone so they can do their own thing. They ground their kids but then go out and party all weekend instead of staying home and enforcing their punishment. They yell, scream, and degrade their children. Instead of instilling discipline and respect, they try to make their children miserable when they are unhappy with them. They don't teach their children how to make good decisions, they show them how to make poor decisions by example. They show their children that they aren't a priority, that they care more about themselves and having a good time than they do their children and their wellbeing. And then they have the gall to blame someone else for their problems with their children. They want someone else to be responsible for their child so they don't have to. I don't understand why these people have kids.

For the past year, my oldest son's friend has been a regular fixture in my home. He comes here after school, eats dinner with us and hangs with us until just before bedtime and then he heads home. On his weekends with his custodial mother, he stays at our house the entire weekend. On his father's visitation weekends, his dad often picks him up from my house and drops him back off here. We took him on a recent vacation with our family, where he met my family back home. He goes to church with us as well as out to eat, the movies, or anywhere else we go. His mother HATES it. His mother is a very angry person, she seems to have an issue with paranoia. She demands that he does an inordinate amount of chores, including all the grocery shopping. She leaves lists that he must complete after school everyday, before he comes to my house, which he stops and does on his way from school. She's not there, so my son often helps him so they can get here faster and eat a snack. She doesn't buy snacks of any type. She keeps very little food in the house, and when you have 2 teen age boys, that's just crazy (neither have any weight or eating problems either). She screams and yells at him over any crime, real or imagined. She cusses and degrades him constantly. To me, this isn't a parenting style issue, it's abusive. There are times when I cringe hearing him converse with her on the phone. She yells so loudly I can hear her. I don't understand, he's a great kid. Polite, well mannered, helpful, respectful. I never have a problem with him.

Yesterday she decided all of her problems with him are my fault. She accused me of trying to undermine her authority (I have never gone against anything she has said or told him to do, I have never given him my opinion of his mother, that's highly inappropriate). Offering him a place to stay is all I can really do at this point, and she doesn't want him here simply because he wants to be here. Poor kid is in such an awful situation. I didn't argue with her, I let her say what she wanted and leave. She is very bitter, completely lacking in grace and dignity. I would be mortified if I ever behaved the way she did. Once she left, my son and I talked about the situation (which most of the kids witnessed). I explained to him that she is really angry because she didn't do the work raising her child, she didn't lay the groundwork for a successful relationship and now she's angry and has to blame it on someone who DID take the time to do that, not only with my child, but her's as well. I told him that it doesn't change how I feel about this child nor will it change how I treat him. His father called me later and apologized for his ex wife's behavior and told me she wants to kick him out but refuses to give him custody so she can retain control over the child and still receive child support. It's such a mess and this poor kid is caught in the middle of it all.

And then there's my own ex. He wants to blame his relationship (or lack thereof) with his children on me. Hmmmm, with the exception of 1, they all have cell phones. They all have iTouches, which means they can be texted. They all have email they can check on their iTouch. 3 of them have FaceTime on their Itouch, which means he can both talk to them and see them. They all have Skype on their iTouches. He doesn't contact them. He expects them to reach out to him EVERY SINGLE TIME. He sits and whines that I keep his kids from him, but really he keeps himself from our children. He is the adult, he is the one whose responsibility it is to nurture a relationship with our precious children. For the life of me, I don't understand why he doesn't. And his wife thinks she can do it for him. It doesn't work that way. She can only be responsible for her relationship with them, not his. Her texting them isn't the same. I don't understand how someone can miss their kids SO MUCH, but not ever call them. How that person can be out of the country for a year, return and NOT CALL THEIR CHILDREN. Really? The kids had to call him 4 days after his return. He had time to do stuff and post pics on FB, but not CALL HIS KIDS? Then he's mad that they figure out their importance to him and blames me? How is that my fault? I was never told his return date, never told if he had his cell turned back on, I don't have a house number for him, and I'm not going through his wife. His kids shouldn't have to go through a gatekeeper to speak to their father. They texted her constantly trying to get to talk to him and she had multiple excuses of why they couldn't. He just wants to continue to not take the responsibility and just blame it on someone else, just like the mom I was talking about earlier. But MY kids get hurt in the process. Dude, get over yourself, grow up and start calling your kids. 

We sit back and theorize why our kids are so messed up these days, why there's such a high number of kids with drug and alcohol problems, who are suicidal, etc. If more parents would put aside their selfishness and see that for at least 18 years, it's not about them, it's about their kids, we wouldn't have nearly as many of these problems as we do right now. Oh, there's the occasional kid that turns out bad, no matter how great the parents are, but generally, we are the ones ruining them. Just stop being so self centered and realize that it's all about the children and not about you or any other adult and things will be better. Just grow up.