There are certain things that I have always assumed parents knew they were responsible for when it came to their children. Providing the basics for survival, such as shelter, food, clothing, is a responsibility we accept when we choose to have children. But just as important, are the emotional things we provide for our children. We provide constant love and affection, affirmation and discipline, boundaries and education. We teach them to respect others, to be kind and polite, to properly express our emotions, including anger. We show them how to treat people by the way we treat people. We are consistent with our love and affection as well as our enforcement of boundaries and rules. This is how children learn how to be good, well rounded people.
I have discovered over the years however, that some people don't know these things. Now, I understand there are different parenting styles and I feel that there are rooms for all types of parents and children in the world. For example, I do not attachment parent. I personally feel that leads to co-dependent, whiney children. But I have no problem with someone who chooses this style of parenting. It tells me that while they are a bit less structured than I am, they love their children dearly and care enough to try their best to be a great parent to their child. It's not my cup of tea, but it's not wrong. Regardless, this is not the type of thing that I am talking about.
I'm talking about people who don't lay the ground work for a healthy relationship and then are upset when it doesn't magically happen anyway. Usually, I see this in the friends of my children. These people are inconsistent, angry individuals. They expect their kids to be around to do whatever they need them to, but then want them gone so they can do their own thing. They ground their kids but then go out and party all weekend instead of staying home and enforcing their punishment. They yell, scream, and degrade their children. Instead of instilling discipline and respect, they try to make their children miserable when they are unhappy with them. They don't teach their children how to make good decisions, they show them how to make poor decisions by example. They show their children that they aren't a priority, that they care more about themselves and having a good time than they do their children and their wellbeing. And then they have the gall to blame someone else for their problems with their children. They want someone else to be responsible for their child so they don't have to. I don't understand why these people have kids.
For the past year, my oldest son's friend has been a regular fixture in my home. He comes here after school, eats dinner with us and hangs with us until just before bedtime and then he heads home. On his weekends with his custodial mother, he stays at our house the entire weekend. On his father's visitation weekends, his dad often picks him up from my house and drops him back off here. We took him on a recent vacation with our family, where he met my family back home. He goes to church with us as well as out to eat, the movies, or anywhere else we go. His mother HATES it. His mother is a very angry person, she seems to have an issue with paranoia. She demands that he does an inordinate amount of chores, including all the grocery shopping. She leaves lists that he must complete after school everyday, before he comes to my house, which he stops and does on his way from school. She's not there, so my son often helps him so they can get here faster and eat a snack. She doesn't buy snacks of any type. She keeps very little food in the house, and when you have 2 teen age boys, that's just crazy (neither have any weight or eating problems either). She screams and yells at him over any crime, real or imagined. She cusses and degrades him constantly. To me, this isn't a parenting style issue, it's abusive. There are times when I cringe hearing him converse with her on the phone. She yells so loudly I can hear her. I don't understand, he's a great kid. Polite, well mannered, helpful, respectful. I never have a problem with him.
Yesterday she decided all of her problems with him are my fault. She accused me of trying to undermine her authority (I have never gone against anything she has said or told him to do, I have never given him my opinion of his mother, that's highly inappropriate). Offering him a place to stay is all I can really do at this point, and she doesn't want him here simply because he wants to be here. Poor kid is in such an awful situation. I didn't argue with her, I let her say what she wanted and leave. She is very bitter, completely lacking in grace and dignity. I would be mortified if I ever behaved the way she did. Once she left, my son and I talked about the situation (which most of the kids witnessed). I explained to him that she is really angry because she didn't do the work raising her child, she didn't lay the groundwork for a successful relationship and now she's angry and has to blame it on someone who DID take the time to do that, not only with my child, but her's as well. I told him that it doesn't change how I feel about this child nor will it change how I treat him. His father called me later and apologized for his ex wife's behavior and told me she wants to kick him out but refuses to give him custody so she can retain control over the child and still receive child support. It's such a mess and this poor kid is caught in the middle of it all.
And then there's my own ex. He wants to blame his relationship (or lack thereof) with his children on me. Hmmmm, with the exception of 1, they all have cell phones. They all have iTouches, which means they can be texted. They all have email they can check on their iTouch. 3 of them have FaceTime on their Itouch, which means he can both talk to them and see them. They all have Skype on their iTouches. He doesn't contact them. He expects them to reach out to him EVERY SINGLE TIME. He sits and whines that I keep his kids from him, but really he keeps himself from our children. He is the adult, he is the one whose responsibility it is to nurture a relationship with our precious children. For the life of me, I don't understand why he doesn't. And his wife thinks she can do it for him. It doesn't work that way. She can only be responsible for her relationship with them, not his. Her texting them isn't the same. I don't understand how someone can miss their kids SO MUCH, but not ever call them. How that person can be out of the country for a year, return and NOT CALL THEIR CHILDREN. Really? The kids had to call him 4 days after his return. He had time to do stuff and post pics on FB, but not CALL HIS KIDS? Then he's mad that they figure out their importance to him and blames me? How is that my fault? I was never told his return date, never told if he had his cell turned back on, I don't have a house number for him, and I'm not going through his wife. His kids shouldn't have to go through a gatekeeper to speak to their father. They texted her constantly trying to get to talk to him and she had multiple excuses of why they couldn't. He just wants to continue to not take the responsibility and just blame it on someone else, just like the mom I was talking about earlier. But MY kids get hurt in the process. Dude, get over yourself, grow up and start calling your kids.
We sit back and theorize why our kids are so messed up these days, why there's such a high number of kids with drug and alcohol problems, who are suicidal, etc. If more parents would put aside their selfishness and see that for at least 18 years, it's not about them, it's about their kids, we wouldn't have nearly as many of these problems as we do right now. Oh, there's the occasional kid that turns out bad, no matter how great the parents are, but generally, we are the ones ruining them. Just stop being so self centered and realize that it's all about the children and not about you or any other adult and things will be better. Just grow up.
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