Taking up Offenses

Note: This was originally posted on 2/23/2012 on my previous blog.

So, this is my inaugural blog post. I have always wanted to blog, but never found the time. I recently decided I should make the time. You will notice I don't have my name listed. I want this blog to be for anyone, everyone, or no one. I'll be happy if others read it, and I'm fine if it's just some type of journal for me, too. Doesn't matter much either way, it's just an exercise in writing, in remembering how to talk like a grownup, in figuring out what's important and what's not, in getting my feelings, those things I hold on to so tightly that no one knows what they might be, out somewhere. You might agree with some things, you might not. It's ok. Really. After all, it's just me being me. And I'll go ahead and admit, not everybody likes me:)

The topic on my mind today is taking up offenses. I can't remember exactly where I first heard this phrase used, but it must have been years ago, because I have certainly used it for much of my adult life. It means that you get all bent out of shape on someone else's behalf. Now sometimes, it is appropriate to be upset for someone, for example, if that someone is your child, it's your duty to be upset and take up offenses on their behalf as they aren't equipped to do so on their own behalf yet. I'm speaking more about other circumstances.

For instance, when someone says or does something that hurts my husband. I totally am guilty on this one. I get upset. I get angry. I get revenge.

Ok, I'm kidding. I don't get revenge. But sometimes I want to. Because while Mr. Anoni might be Mr. Annoi to me sometimes, I love him more than anything in this world, other than Anoni Jr's of course. He is the other half of me, my soulmate. We were totally made for each other and put on this earth to complete each other. I know, I hear your eyes rolling. But it's true.

So when someone hurts him I get hurt too. Because he is part of me. I then want to fight his battles for him. I want to tell the people who are hurting him to stop. I want them to know what they are doing, how they are doing it, and that they MUST stop. Immediately. But guess what? It's not my place.

If I were to step in, that would be crippling him. It would be like me saying he's not an adult that can handle his own problems. It would take any responsibility off him for making his own life better and improving his circumstances. Eventually, I would be caring for another child emotionally and to be honest, I don't have time for that.

Mr. Anoni needs to handle his own issues. The hardest part of that for me, is that he would rather not. He would rather just let things go, not say anything and let time wash away the hurt. Some things he has just accepted the way they are, while I am still stewing in the unfairness of it all on his behalf. But if he wants to accept it, that's HIS choice, not mine. He has to find his own way in his relationships, with his family, his friends, and his co-workers. I have to find my way in mine. And although I will share advice with him, or what I think he should do, ultimately that is HIS decision to make and I have to be ok with that. The right thing to do is to encourage him, let him know I understand how he feels and why he makes whatever decision he makes. Then I stand behind him 100%, supporting him every step of the way. Whenever he falls, or gets knocked down, I help him up and then encourage him to move forward once again, navigating his way through life. And he does the same for me. That's why we are together after all.

I see this all the time with people. One spouse takes up offenses for the other, leaving their spouse emotionally crippled. Eventually, the crippled spouse stops advocating for himself in any of his relationships and starts leaning on their spouse to do it for them. They become whiny little children who get angry when others don't behave they way they perceive they should. We need to all be adults in our relationships and help our other halves towards that emotional adulthood too. It's scary and it's sad, because it gives us a certain amount of helplessness and who likes to feel helpless? But it empowers our spouse, it frees them to act and react the way they need to, the way they want to, instead of the way WE want them to. And in the end, that's what we want to do, right? Help them become the best they can be:)